| gonzo |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|09:33 pm] |
eroteme
ellipses ellipses ellipses eroteme exclamation
which about sums my mindstate.
i bolted before i broke, figuring a short lived impulse, now i find myself about halfway towards the wild blue. my first thought was to throw my fit then head back into the cold to cope but en route something clicked. or snapped. either way, once epiphany has chewed you up its hard to shake.
and so i yonder off.
as for the impending maelstrom of righteousness that i can already sense seeking me out, i am fully and painfully aware of the repercussions and their magnitude of my utter and unplanned absence. furthermore, the decision to miss THE MOST important days of my year did not come easily. or without tears. so thanks but piss off is all i can say to those people hence staying totally off the grid.
i'm on a massive destruction course and taking the selfish route and running is better then some alternatives i saw brewing. this choice gives me a chance to make something of my destruction. you know fiery birds bursting out of crispy corpses and all that crap.
so its the highways and byways for me. at least until the new year. tax time is my final milestone before i head back. i'm locked into allegany county like it or not but i'm not going to tolerate it until i have my own space.
the end.? |
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| circles. or cycles. either way... |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|11:29 am] |
changes come, and keep on coming. i've been fighting a downward spiral balancing work and kids money etc for a while now, and i've been pretty prepared to deal with a sudden shift but of course it came just when i thought it wouldn't- i was working out a plan that seemed pretty solid to have some friends come and live with me until a couple months into the new year to cover babysitting. they get free rent and a cash paycheck and i get to go to work without worries. seemed good. i was still planning on exiting the full time after that because i know some people manage somehow, but for me, full time work (let alone with this wicked commute) doesn't fly when i don't have any coparenting involved with my boys. the thing was i thought i'd be able to make it through long enough to save a little each month, get my xmas bonus, and get my tax refund. then with a pretty solid cushion i was going to do it right and give work a full months notice along with a proposal for me to continue freelancing for them. things were coming together.. then it all bottomed out monday morning when i realized Kim hadn't made it back. out of her hands, no fault involved but it is what it is and the result was i had to throw in the towel because not only did i have to call off at the last minute and miss a huge client meeting with no warning, i couldn't even make it in for the rest of the week. bye bye jobby. flat broke (as in negative dollars), no cushion, nothing lined up. oh timing.
so... i'm in cumberland for the week, working from my dad's office. christina refuses to even let the boys sleep at her place even if i arranged all the actual childcare which kinda left me high and dry. she's stressed and in a bad headspace so i'm not too mad about it, but it still seems like a bad judgment call not to prioritize helping over drinking and being miserable about her breakup, so the boys are taken care of and i can keep a roof over their head. eh, either way... so we've been camping out and i'm working while dealing with sad and bored little kids in a very child-unfriendly building. i get paid on friday, it's mostly gone already to overdraft fees, bills, and money borrowed to get down here. after that as long as i can get my work done this week i'll get another full paycheck, which if i don't spend a penny on anything nonessential should cover rent and food for the month. after that i am completely on my own with no known source of income or any type of real plan.
the bright side is, if i can pull this off and get some steady work we will be much better off even though it was rushed. i do have some prospects, one of the clients i've been the lead developer for since i started likes my work and as soon as he heard i was leaving started asking me about hiring me directly. i could get in trouble for non-compete reasons so i have to be careful, but it's a good contract.. enough to cover bills i think by itself. on top of that, if i smooth things over with the company i've been working for i think i might be able to get at least a little side work here and there on things that i'm only one who can do the work currently.
the past couple months have been very humbling. i would be freaking out really bad right now in my old mode but losing Heather after being so convinced i was home, finding myself hermiting in a little town i don't know without a single friend or even the means to go anywhere and other impending intensities.. has brought me some perspective i didn't have before.
so, i'm sure i'll be back online before long whining my little heart out, but for now.. i'm ok. |
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| do i stay or do i...? |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|04:57 pm] |
torn eight different ways for twelve different reasons...
i have to make a decision about this job by the end of the week, thats fucking hard enough let alone the choices that come afterwards regardless of which way i go
and the requirements i have to somehow meet for each possible scenario.
aahahhhahaha... i need pot and friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|04:37 pm] |
doesn't make sense that the world can end and then continue eventually only to end again. wtf.
kendall should call me. stat.
{724}5/2/4-3123 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|08:28 pm] |
got my vacation time in tooooooday hehe. have to take it a little later then i wanted but still right in the middle of my fiona time, and i took advantage of the 4th to make it a grand total of 10 days totally off and a few to spare for end of summer trips and activites.
i. am. stoked. |
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| amusing conversation in a linux chatroom earlier today |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|03:53 pm] |
<strider> I'd love to do something like my gig at HMP again
<strider> *that* was a blast
<ninevolt__> i've never had a fun job, i'm looking for one.
* Strider got to get shit-faced with astronauts. :D
<ninevolt__> interning at nasa was the closest i came.
<ninevolt__> heh, me too :P
<strider> who?
<darkflib> secure the funding and lets go... :P
<ninevolt__> i guess technically not astronauts...
<strider> ahh
<ninevolt__> the guy whose idea they ended up using to fix hubble
<ninevolt__> (the first time)
<darkflib> we can study the effects of alcohol consumption near magnetic poles or something
<strider> ahh
<ninevolt__> his office was next to mine.
<ninevolt__> fuck if i remember his name :P
<strider> NineVolt__: yeah, I downed 25% of a bottle of Tequila with Jeff Hoffman, who flew that mission.
<ninevolt__> haha
<ninevolt__> badass :)
<strider> maybe less, but I don't remember.
<strider> there were 4 or 5 of us, and a bottle of tequila... it was empty the next morning.
<ninevolt__> :P
<ninevolt__> for me it was just beer at ruby tuesdays.
<strider> we hadn't seen fresh veggies or fruit in over a month at that point, and to be honest, were far more interested in where Mario (the other astronaut) had gotten the limes from than the tequila itself.
<ninevolt__> bwahaha
<ninevolt__> as an astronaut, the first thing you learn is how to smuggle delicious snacks into places where you can't have them.
<strider> hehe
* Nocab (~jostein@jjostein.users.undernet.org) Quit (Ping timeout)
<strider> NineVolt__: I asked a former chief logistics officer for the ISS if the saying "Wherever russians go, vodka is sure to follow" held true for the station. She said "absolutely not" while nodding her head emphatically. |
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| whoooooooaaa |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|11:28 am] |
mahahahahahaha! new ages dawn...
man has officially sent readable text to a computer using his BRAIIIINS
.. literally
this project has successfully managed to send text characters via EEG measuring brain activity. the user stares at a monitor displaying letters and focusing on 'pressing' the desired letter repeatedly.
ironically (and appropriately, i suppose) the first ever direct brain/data transmission in the world was a tweet. heh.
http://tech.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=09/04/21/190232&art_pos=19 |
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| uuummmm WTF europe?! |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|12:35 pm] |
apparently the EU is about to push through a legislative package that would regulate internet so severely that you would have to purchase "packages" for every type of service, up to and including categories of websites. in other words, if you have a personal homepage that isn't grouped in a package that your viewers all have, they can't even access your site. ?! W T F !?
and the best part is tomorrow is evidently the deadline to complain if you're gonna...
highly recommend any of you in the EU take a peek at this
http://www.blackouteurope.eu/ |
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| neet |
[Mar. 20th, 2009|09:52 am] |
kendall:
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| Our house... |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|11:21 am] |
aiming for October to finish work and move in.
i think this counts as a commune. heheheheee.
=D |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2008|02:53 pm] |
home for thanksgiving, possibly for the weekend
(412) 638 3105 (celly)
(301) 722 5385 (house)
anyone up for drinks? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|11:44 pm] |
24 years ago today the term cyberspace was coined. hehehe.
looks like i might be moving to pittsburgh. i've been talking to a potential employer all week and it sounds pretty promising at this point. the guy i've been talking makes the selections which get approved by the executive types. my resume/presentation package got presented to the exec folks yesterday, and that apparently went well (after reading my material, it was apparently stated "that's all he wants??" in regard to how much salary i wanted- and that's after the guy i've been talking to upped it $8k from what i actually asked for). i've been told i am a perfect fit for the job, and the evaluation test i took today i'm pretty sure i aced. my experience is much more then their requirements (2 years php, 3 years linux- i think i was still a teenager when that was all i could claim). it's a job i could enjoy, i'd be in charge of my department (the development team) and it's open source technology based (no stinkin microsoft) and the money is good. so. i'm getting nervous now that it's become closer to possible but i'm pretty optimistic for once.
regardless of getting this gig, there's a fire back in my belly. i'm going to have money and a life, nothing is going to stop that. i'm finishing up the largest project i've done in a while (not so huge, but $800 is almost double the biggest payment i've had in the last couple months) and getting a taste of the job finding process from a slightly more positive stance has given me new perspective. a job like that one i can handle, and i realize now i can sell myself for fairly and accurately. no more grunt code work or being a fixer bitch, even if i don't get this gig i can beef up my resume with everything i can bring and start looking for other jobs with serious roles. i got a good brain, time to sell it for what it's worth. that means a full time gig i can take seriously or some heavy duty sales on my freelance, in which i am starting to build up a client base and get referrals as a kinda regular thing. i'm feeling more zest and confidence in general. last couple times i got to ride my bike, i rode like back in the day. past the burn, into the zone. where the muscles have gotten used to the hurtin and don't try to stop anymore, they just keep chugging doing what they is supposed to. good fucking feeling. i been pushing my in home exercise more too, starting to work out some of my weak areas. got the fire.
the best thing happened the other day. gabriel was mad at me cause i wasn't giving in to picking him up right that second cause he was being cranky, and he bonked his head on the kids table in his anger. orion, who always gets hepped up if big people aren't doing what they're supposed to with babies, yelled at me that gabriel needed a kiss. i asked gabriel, he yelled "no!!" then looked at orion through his tears and held out his arms. tucked himself into his big brother and got his kiss there instead... then he looked at orion, still kinda upset (very carefully not looking at me at all) and asked him to go outside (he usually asks me this) and off they went holding hands.
they've gotten a lot closer recently, now that they can actually have conversations (which is crazy! but really really cool). gabriel is changing so fucking much. he looks so different, so many more expressions and things to express now.
!! i got to see phinn they other day, in addition to being adorable and a runner man that boy can count to ten! i don't know what it is with jen's kids and numbers, but it's awesome. elliott could count to 16 and name the planets, in order mind you, when i first met him and he was like 18 months then. crazy. phi talks completely like a big kid now, which also boggles me. |
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| books & babies |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|09:54 am] |
i started reading a book last week, When things fall apart by Pema Chodron. It's basically about dealing with your life being wrecked. I don't usually go for this genre, but this is an exceptionally well written work. I wanted to share an excerpt from the first chapter that moved me.
Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft, open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It's not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. ... What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. There's not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring. The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further. The kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. They have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually.
i've also been reading a book my mom got for me when she was out west, Last child in the woods, which is about the separation from nature these past few generations have experienced and the impact it has. the author utilizes a lot of good research and studies to underscore his points. it's a good topic, and one i'm pretty passionate about.
the kids have been changing so much over these past few months. gabriel especially. we've all been growing very close. that's always been the case of course, it's kind of the point to attachment parenting but recently me and my boys have formed a tight and trusting unspoken pact. a lot of overt affection and connectivity. orion has been acting like a surly teenager a lot, which is funny because he was always the one to snap to when i laid down the law. i understand his need to question authority right now. he's also been my pal more then ever. it works. both boys have gotten back to perfect, restful sleep. i still have to go to sleep with them but they stay asleep and wake up happy now. gabriel needed to sleep completely on top of me for the first several weeks christina was gone, but then he moved to just needing his head on my chest and now most recently he just wants to snuggle with me like a big person. the other night he just about broke my heart with sweetness. he basically put me to bed instead of the reverse. he fell asleep while i was walking around with him, but woke up when i tried to lie him down, so i lay down next to him. he put his hand on my head (i wasn't feeling good) and got this far off stare as he did the energy work thing kids seem to be able to do naturally. after a couple minutes of that, he gave me this beaming, scrunchy smile like "that felt good didn't it and oh yeah i looove you" then he put both his hands firmly but so gently on my face, leaned in and kissed my nose and then my mouth very carefully and sweetly. then he lay down, wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled my head to his chest and stroked my hair until we both went to sleep. nearly killed me it was so freaking sweet and grown up. he's been doing a lot of that kind of thing, holding my face gently, giving me kisses and stuff. he loves sitting with me and talking and just being big. his voice changes, relaxed and clear not like his normal toddler voice that he uses when he's playing. he's butter when i treat him like a grownup, totally cooperative and helpful. the only time he's ever rotten is when i'm too busy to talk to him in grownup sentences and get him involved. theeeen he's like a normal toddler, "why? what? i'm going to do it anyway! haha!" hehe. our daily routine is still really stressful because i have so much housework to do, my money work, and there's just not enough to keep them busy here anymore (not to mention too much trouble to get into when they're bored). but the joy and love that we share keeps the balance, and i think the kids agree even if they still nudge me constantly. even on days when i have to storm and yell and keep them in line while i try to get everything done, we still go to bed all snuggly and happy to be together. we've got to make some real changes soon to keep the stress parts from wrecking the balance, but all told we are a pretty happy family. i am proud. and blessed.
<3 |
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| hooray for birthdays (and the dark side) |
[Sep. 14th, 2008|11:33 pm] |
went to embers birthday shindig last night, was vera nice. weeks without beer of any kind, and the first drops to touch my lips was of that sweet nectar called 60 minute ipa. sooo delicious. three hours and three beers later, i felt truly reaffirmed in doing things the way i am. did my soul no end of good to relax into the hop buzz and conversation and truly enjoy myself and the company. tis rare for me. i felt much less slouchy when i left.
i've been feeling the pinch of no down time, starting to think i'm gona crack if i don't get out more often but the payoff is worth it and although i definitely need to go and get properly wasted some time soon, nights like these are so much more meaningful & rewarding in context.
shortly after 12:03am on Sep 12 was a historical turning point in my personal progress. i officially changed my alignment to the dark side. dun dun duh! i can feel the changes in my head already, should be interesting. now, i know this sounds silly and to be sure it's figurative but the way my brain works symbolic changes have tangible effect, especially when it's something that ties to my core belief structure.
i touched on this once years ago, during a phone conversation with nash while i was living in oakland(ca). we were getting pretty deep into meaning and purpose, particularly when one feels driven to more substantial impact then is normally allotted to us plebs.. there was a quote, from some occult source, that boils down to "a true magician (as in, one that is truly able to effect his world at will) has no sentiment, nor ties of any kind". we were discussing effectiveness, and potency and for a moment i felt the logic of that claim sinking into my brain and taking hold, tangibly. a few minutes later i shook that off, and kinda creeped by how tangible it felt i went off on an extensive light side retort, and did my best to convince jim that the concept was an evil virus intended to pass from person to person in that manner. heh.
i still don't embrace the zero sentiment premise entirely, although controlled moments of such are potent and useful. i still care about my friends thriving (love truly is at the center of my personal pantheon- doesn't mean i can't be evil suka). my bond with my children if anything will grow. it's everything unessential that gets cut by excising a big portion of my "care" lobe. fears about human contact, peoples opinions, my personal presentation when speaking. being too close to people i shouldn't be. constantly seeking out good deeds so i can feel better about myself (since childhood, i'm just a guilt ridden asshole).
this is about taking what i need from life cause it sure as hell isn't being given out. better acceptance of responsibility, since it's just me getting myself ahead and a much colder and more calculating approach to that process. when i can say that no one has made me look at the ground (the damn checkout lady is capable of that as things have stood!) or hunch my shoulders in recent memory, mission success. then i can reevaluate my position, etc.
good stuff. evil stuff? mehehehe... love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|10:33 am] |
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On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Khalil Gibran
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| found papers |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|12:48 pm] |
rachel return a couple old scraps of paper of mine she found in a box the other day. one was my federal tax registration for irisstudios (still a registered business in virginia hehe)
this was something i wrote many, many years ago. these ideas have continued to be the basis of my philosophy, shame i haven't adhered to it more closely. i would be much closer to my intended person.
this is my credo
i will strengthen my body every day
i will abstain from all foods which are unnatural
i will abstain from all foods which come from an animal
i will abstain from all foreign substances that do not serve a higher purpose
i will work hard, and not sleep until i need to
i will strengthen my mind every day
i will work diligently and silently, without expectation of praise or reward
i will cultivate patience and learn my tasks more thoroughly
i will expand my horizons without pride, using any resources available to me
i will strengthen my spirit every day
i will abstain from anger, hate, and fear
i will abstain from making excuses
i will cherish the lives and feelings of those around me
i will strive every day to become worthy of discipleship
this is my credo
this is my life
in reciting these words every day, i manifest my absolute submission to the light of life.
this shall be my only purpose until these dreams become reality.
in love, always.
cailen
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caegh's journal